Safety, Energy, Courage

Before coming out to others, I complete a complicated dance that includes second-guessing, double-checking, scanning for safety, scanning for understanding, scanning myself for the energy to answer questions, scanning myself for emotional stability, and assessing the cost:benefit ratio. It’s a time-consuming yet essential dance that usually results in me deciding not to come out.

I don’t like coming out.

At twenty-three I came out as a lesbian to my family, five years after coming to that conclusion myself. I’d waited until I had my first girlfriend and until I lived far, far away. How far away? Overseas.

For five years, back in the good old days of card catalogues, I’d ‘researched’ alone in quiet libraries far from my home where nobody we knew would see me. Among the psychology textbooks that spoke of deviance, and the tasteless B-grade schlock novels, were a few autobiographies, a few short story compilations and a few cheesy novels.

Amid those bookshelves I slowly came to terms with the words others had shouted at me in high school. The only lesbians on TV back then were in Prisoner, and I was nothing like them. At night I listened to community radio, where the cloistered questioning queers like myself could access validation and comfort. I kept the sound down low.

In my first share house and while working for progressive organisations full of hippies, I kept the information to myself. The Sensitive New Age Guys, SNAGS, were still sexist and homophobic, though in veiled ways. I met a lot of great feminists and lesbians and became close to some. I didn’t want to be gay. I hoped that I’d just find the right guy.

Meeting my first girlfriend was a revelation. There were no further questions. Of course I loved women. What followed was twenty-five years of loving women, and being open about that. It was necessary for me to be out, as hiding was too close to shame and I carried enough of that about other things. But it was tough. It was a choice that carried its own consequences, and the ubiquitous homophobia, veiled and blatant, wore me down.

Now, for me, coming out is on a need-to-know basis.

It’s not necessary that everybody be out; that’s a decision for the individual alone. Sure, being out means you’re visible for youth and your peers, which can help everyone feel less isolated or peculiar, but it’s not a law. Everyone has their unique circumstances and their reasons. It’s not for others to judge.